Matchstick Girl

For several days now I have this inexplanable feeling. I dont quite know to describe it.

I struggle with depression daily and anxiety. It's just something i've come to accept. However, lately i've been feeling so incredibly alone. It's coming on Christmas..the year is almost over. Yes, the year is almost over. One would expect a sigh of relief but rather for me it's more of a trailing of sentence. Is it really? I've been high and so low that i've scraped the grime off of hell's floor with my fingernails. I hear this often, "when things are going terrible in your life it only means something wonderful is around the corner." Really? So because my father left and treats me as if i were dead that means something wonderful is going to happen to me? Because my home life is up you know what creek without a paddle means i should expect something great?

I feel that we are so caught up in "catchy" phrases that we miss out on the truth that is life. Bad things happen to good and bad people. Why? I dont know. I used to say "everything happens for a reason". I was one of those super-optimistic-to the point of insanity people, and then i got hit with reality. Yes, i believe some things happen for a reason but most things happen just because. Find a reason or lesson in it if you will. I'm sure that if you look for it you will find one, but im too exhausted for such nonsense anymore.

I dont believe in a lot of things that i used to. I dont believe that people are truthful and can be honest. I dont believe that someone can truly love me for me. I dont believe people will stay. But I do believe in hope. For heaven's sake it's the only thing i got left and its very little but its still something. I honestly believe that if i didnt have this little hope i would die from a broken heart. I've heard of it happening but never understood how that could be until now. I am slowing dying of a broken heart. But there is something in me that won't let me.

There was a story i read a long time ago around this time of year, it was called The Matchstick Girl. The story begins with a little orphan girl with nothing but a ratted old dress and matchsticks sitting in the corner of two brick buildings on a cold december night in the snow. Desperate for heat she lights the first match. It seems that each match is a wish from her heart. With the light of the first match she sees a huge christmas feast. She feels the warmth of the food within her until the match goes out. She lights the second to see a home lighted by a fire and a family inside smiling and laughing. Because she longs so much to hold onto this wish she lights the rest of the matches and for an instant feels happy. The story ends with the little matchstick girl sitting all alone in the snow frozen to death with a smile on her face.

That's me. For a moment something within lights up and i can feel the warmth and then the cold harshness of the things i cannot control in my life snuff it away.

This will be my first christmas without my dad. And as far as im concernced my first without my mother as well. My christmas wish this year is for a family. Maybe that means a family of my own someday that i will love unconditionally, or maybe for a family to just love me...

It's during this season of hope and joy that i feel empty and long for what used to be and what will someday be.