It's thanksgiving and i'd like to sit here and think about what im thankful for.
Life, that things aren't always what they seem, being healthy, opportunities, my 3 good girlfriends, my sister, my boyfriend, music..
Anyway, i have to come to a point where i just dont care anymore. People are so whiny and bitchy and i am tired of it. I have had enough of materialistic bs and people's petty problems. I dont want to hear it anymore. Tired. Done. I've got REAL issues in my life but I still smile and honestly bottle it up inside so nobody really knows whats going on.
Grow up people. Stop being so freaking selfish. Vanity is not something to be proud of.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
unwanted
your sad eyes they dont keep me alive
not like they used to
not like they used to
and your cold feet they wont find their way to me
it's not like you want them to
it's not like you want them to
and your big heart, it won't tear me apart
not like it used to
not like it used to
its all about
it's all about
It's all about
it''s all about
what you wanted
am i what you wanted?
your cold hands, are they gonna catch me if you can?
its not like you want them to
its not like you want them toa
nd your long legs, they could carry you to me
its not like you want them to
its not like you want th
its all about
its all about
its all about
its all aboutwhat you wanted
am i what you wanted?
It's all about you
It's all about you
It's always about you
It's always about you
Its all about
It's all about
What you wanted
am i what you wanted?
oh, my love
not like they used to
not like they used to
and your cold feet they wont find their way to me
it's not like you want them to
it's not like you want them to
and your big heart, it won't tear me apart
not like it used to
not like it used to
its all about
it's all about
It's all about
it''s all about
what you wanted
am i what you wanted?
your cold hands, are they gonna catch me if you can?
its not like you want them to
its not like you want them toa
nd your long legs, they could carry you to me
its not like you want them to
its not like you want th
its all about
its all about
its all about
its all aboutwhat you wanted
am i what you wanted?
It's all about you
It's all about you
It's always about you
It's always about you
Its all about
It's all about
What you wanted
am i what you wanted?
oh, my love
Monday, Nov 17th
He didn't show.
I parked my car down the street, "maybe if he sees my car isnt there he will come"..my thoughts.
I stood on my neighbor's driveway waiting. He was supposed to be there from 10-12. Each car that passed by made my heart leap into my throat and breathing stop. Needless to say none of those cars carried my father to me. 11:34am...still no dad.
I feel like such a fool at times. Why do I hope? Well, because it gets me through each day. But still, why do I hope that one day I will see his face again? That I cannot answer.
So instead of focusing on my disappoint and broken heart I went to my new job today. With death comes new life? Dead to my father yet alive in my new life. Yes, that is what I will hope upon..my new life.
I parked my car down the street, "maybe if he sees my car isnt there he will come"..my thoughts.
I stood on my neighbor's driveway waiting. He was supposed to be there from 10-12. Each car that passed by made my heart leap into my throat and breathing stop. Needless to say none of those cars carried my father to me. 11:34am...still no dad.
I feel like such a fool at times. Why do I hope? Well, because it gets me through each day. But still, why do I hope that one day I will see his face again? That I cannot answer.
So instead of focusing on my disappoint and broken heart I went to my new job today. With death comes new life? Dead to my father yet alive in my new life. Yes, that is what I will hope upon..my new life.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
thoughts before monday
sometimes i feel that i may be beating the nail over the head a bit..but i dont really talk much. well, that is when it comes to matters of the heart..matters of my broken heart. i used to have diahreaa of the mouth and now..i can hardly get a word out.
Why is it that it is so so easy to lose touch with yourself?
For months I have felt like a locust shell. In certain light it looks attractive, but when you take a closer look you see how gross it really is. It's shell is hard, almost impenetrable yet completely baren inside. That WAS me. Through the healing of time, and unconditional love from friends and some family, i am now doing better.
I can smile these days and not fake it. I can laugh and truly laugh until i cannot breathe and tears stream down my cheeks. Oh how I missed that. Yes, sometimes you really do not know what you have until it's gone. The sunshine during the rainy season, a discontinued flavor of ice cream, a friend that moves away, a father that leaves..
9 months ago, February 16th was the last time i saw my father's face. I was with my sister Jillian. That was the worst day of my life. I cannot begin to describe the fear and agony i felt. My whole world crashed down before me. I do not know what i would have done if she had not gone with me. Even still..i felt alone. To this day i still feel alone. It is the most crippling feeling. 9 months later i am home, and he is here in town with her..
i would give anything just to see his face, maybe for the last time?..i do not know. I do not know anything anymore, except this; i will be ok. But do i really want to live my life looking at my father through glass? A moment captured in time that is beginning to escape from my mind? Just because i can live that way does not mean that my heart wants that. January 5th i stood in a hotel room after leaving my fiance, crying. My father, my loving father, wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. "I'm so proud of you. It's going to be ok..i will never leave you."
Those words echo in my head. How can you go on loving someone who does not and will not love you back?
Why is it that it is so so easy to lose touch with yourself?
For months I have felt like a locust shell. In certain light it looks attractive, but when you take a closer look you see how gross it really is. It's shell is hard, almost impenetrable yet completely baren inside. That WAS me. Through the healing of time, and unconditional love from friends and some family, i am now doing better.
I can smile these days and not fake it. I can laugh and truly laugh until i cannot breathe and tears stream down my cheeks. Oh how I missed that. Yes, sometimes you really do not know what you have until it's gone. The sunshine during the rainy season, a discontinued flavor of ice cream, a friend that moves away, a father that leaves..
9 months ago, February 16th was the last time i saw my father's face. I was with my sister Jillian. That was the worst day of my life. I cannot begin to describe the fear and agony i felt. My whole world crashed down before me. I do not know what i would have done if she had not gone with me. Even still..i felt alone. To this day i still feel alone. It is the most crippling feeling. 9 months later i am home, and he is here in town with her..
i would give anything just to see his face, maybe for the last time?..i do not know. I do not know anything anymore, except this; i will be ok. But do i really want to live my life looking at my father through glass? A moment captured in time that is beginning to escape from my mind? Just because i can live that way does not mean that my heart wants that. January 5th i stood in a hotel room after leaving my fiance, crying. My father, my loving father, wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. "I'm so proud of you. It's going to be ok..i will never leave you."
Those words echo in my head. How can you go on loving someone who does not and will not love you back?
at the risk of being sure..
at the risk of sounding..well too sure of myself..
my mind never rests. i believe it to be the hardest working part of myself. constantly over-exerting itself, it at times comes to great insight and introspection that are deeply profound and worthy of reflecting upon.
the year is quickly coming to a close. it is fall, the season of change, and oh what a change has come. today i packed up the remains of my father's belongings. a chapter is closing.
before i go on i must preface with this..i was once a very dramatic girl. every emotion worn in plain view. well i grew up, and after suffering a tremendous loss in my life..well i guess you can say im a bit broken when it comes to functioning emotionally. i dont know how to really let people in. i am learning how to trust..each day i figure is another step in the right direction. its a process. but ive shut down and locked myself away. its a defense mechanism that i mastered quickly and sadly have forgotten how to be me.
that being said, i face a dilemma. monday brings about an interesting event. my father will be coming to my home to collect the rest of his belongings. it is his wish that "the child" not be here. well i will be..fortunately, unfortunately?? well i have no idea. and those closest to me know how much i LOATHE uncertainty. needless to say my anxiety is crazy. i always go through conversations in my head or scenarios, a sort of role playing if you will, before a confrontation. i like to be prepared. however, for this, i cannot prepare myself for. because for the first time in my life i can honestly say, i have NO idea how i am going to feel.
BUT no matter what the outcome, my life will go on. and i will be happy. and i will smile. because i deserve that. I believe that if you want happiness, well then honey you've got to make your own happiness. its a choice. i could choose to be bitter and angry and feel so much hatred towards a father who deserted me and wishes i were as dead to him. but i cannot and i will not. i want better for my life.
people can give you a bunch of catchy yet extremely corny slogans such as "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade". Ya those people?..prozac. I believe, truly believe, that those people who have suffered enormous heartache..who have walked through hell and climbed out..they know what true happiness is. because they know what real pain is. it takes the ugliness to see true beauty.
those i owe my heart to.
Lillie, you taught me how to love again. You helped bring me back to life. I have no words...i love you whole-heartedly.
Bean, you know..only you know. There and back again we find ourselves. You have always been my strength, my rock. You're inifinite wisdom and faith give my heart strength. I love you.
Jenn, my ff. It's an astounding thing how you can be so far yet so close in my heart. You're a voice of reason. I miss you and love you my boopy.
Joyce, my big sister gorgeous one. You are THE most important person in my life. I really do not know where I would be without you. I love you.
my mind never rests. i believe it to be the hardest working part of myself. constantly over-exerting itself, it at times comes to great insight and introspection that are deeply profound and worthy of reflecting upon.
the year is quickly coming to a close. it is fall, the season of change, and oh what a change has come. today i packed up the remains of my father's belongings. a chapter is closing.
before i go on i must preface with this..i was once a very dramatic girl. every emotion worn in plain view. well i grew up, and after suffering a tremendous loss in my life..well i guess you can say im a bit broken when it comes to functioning emotionally. i dont know how to really let people in. i am learning how to trust..each day i figure is another step in the right direction. its a process. but ive shut down and locked myself away. its a defense mechanism that i mastered quickly and sadly have forgotten how to be me.
that being said, i face a dilemma. monday brings about an interesting event. my father will be coming to my home to collect the rest of his belongings. it is his wish that "the child" not be here. well i will be..fortunately, unfortunately?? well i have no idea. and those closest to me know how much i LOATHE uncertainty. needless to say my anxiety is crazy. i always go through conversations in my head or scenarios, a sort of role playing if you will, before a confrontation. i like to be prepared. however, for this, i cannot prepare myself for. because for the first time in my life i can honestly say, i have NO idea how i am going to feel.
BUT no matter what the outcome, my life will go on. and i will be happy. and i will smile. because i deserve that. I believe that if you want happiness, well then honey you've got to make your own happiness. its a choice. i could choose to be bitter and angry and feel so much hatred towards a father who deserted me and wishes i were as dead to him. but i cannot and i will not. i want better for my life.
people can give you a bunch of catchy yet extremely corny slogans such as "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade". Ya those people?..prozac. I believe, truly believe, that those people who have suffered enormous heartache..who have walked through hell and climbed out..they know what true happiness is. because they know what real pain is. it takes the ugliness to see true beauty.
those i owe my heart to.
Lillie, you taught me how to love again. You helped bring me back to life. I have no words...i love you whole-heartedly.
Bean, you know..only you know. There and back again we find ourselves. You have always been my strength, my rock. You're inifinite wisdom and faith give my heart strength. I love you.
Jenn, my ff. It's an astounding thing how you can be so far yet so close in my heart. You're a voice of reason. I miss you and love you my boopy.
Joyce, my big sister gorgeous one. You are THE most important person in my life. I really do not know where I would be without you. I love you.
This is Me
This is who I am, take it or leave it.
I was able to say that for the first time today. As I looked back at myself in my rearview mirror, a confident and beautiful smile crept across my face. This is who I am. Let me explain.
I didn't have the best childhood, but im not about to complain. The week before my 18th birthday, my boyfriend of 4 years broke my heart for my best friend. Two months later I graduated high school and packed up my life to move to Texas. I left my home, family and all of my friends. I moved to Texas with a backpack, one suitcase and a guitar. I knew no one. I lived with my soon to be roommates parents for a week before moving into my dorm at TCU. It was quite an experience. After being there for a month i had joined a sorority and made a ton of friends. My suitemate and her boyfriend and i were always hanging out because my roommate and i did not get along whatsoever. Then the tables turned. I was more involved in my sorority. It was a christian sorority and so I was being asked by the President to lead worship at our weekly meetings. ME! I was so honored and excited. On top of that i became the worship leader for a group called Campus Crusades. Because of all i was doing, one thing led to another and my suitemate became extremely controlling and possessive of me and my time. In a nutshell i had to find a different place to sleep each night, which meant my girlfriends cement floors in their dorm, because i was being intruded on while showering or changing by my suitemate's boyfriend, sexually and verbally harassed, among other things.
Eventually I moved into my own dorm room. It was a suite to myself. Essentially it was ideal, but it was extremely lonely. I would go to school, go to my room and there i would stay. I didn't know where i belonged. I knew deep in my heart that i didnt belong at that school but i also didnt belong in california. I was never going to go back. Two months after being in Texas i got extremely sick and was rushed to the ER. It turned out i had appendicitis and needed to instantly have surgery. After a series of unfortunate events, my life began to change. I was meeting people who were coming into my life with a direct purpose. I would meet someone who would point in a direction that would lead me to a door to another path where another person would walk into my life and help guide me somewhere else, and so on.
I eventually got my own place, and then quickly had to move because it was unsafe. Let's just say i was the ONLY single white female amongst black men. No good. But despite it all I was happy. I didnt have anything; no money, no furniture, not even a bed to sleep on. For months i slept on the floor with a blanket. But i was so proud of my place. I would go to the library to rent movies because they were free. I went grocery shopping at a flea market type grocery store where i would stock up on spaghetti fixings, and i would cook huge pots of spaghetti for my friends whenever they came over. Eventually things began turning in my favor. My perseverance began to pay off. I had a job, i was working at a church with students whom i adored with all of my heart, and people were coming out of the woodwork to help me.
I began working at a church as a sunday school teacher for 7th grade girls, and i immediately fell in love with them. I was at church every day hanging with my new friends on the youth staff and working. I was there teaching, mentoring, leading worship and meeting new people. It was the best time of my life. But i soon realized how much i missed home. Watching everyone celebrate holidays when i spent them alone crying..hurt terribly. I was reminded daily of what i was lacking in my life. I had an amazing apartment, a job which i loved, great friends and a fiance, but what i didnt have outweighed what i had a million to one.
So here I am. At home in california, after being engaged and breaking up with my fiance the night before i left for california, and exactly 7 days later, listening to my dad tell me he's going to leave my mom. My father was my heart and soul. We are so much alike. We used to do everything together from backpacking and rock-climbing to dressing up and going out on dates. We have a million memories, nicknames and songs together. That's what I wanted back in my life when i moved home.
The night before i left for texas i struggled with the decision to leave my fiance. I knew what I had to do but it was painful. I sat on the edge of the bed in my hotel room across from him, crying, explaining how this just wasn't right. I slipped my ring off of my finger, placed it on the bed next to me and said goodbye. My father and I had had dinner that evening and i had explained to him exactly where my heart was at, and he was the only one in the world who understood. I ran into my father's arms that evening, and it was the only place where i felt peace. I returned to my room later that night with my father, to find my ring still sitting where i had left it. I cried myself to sleep that night with my Father telling me how proud he was of his little girl, how he would never leave and how much he loved me.
My life has not been what i had hoped it would be when i came home. My dad left for good on valentine's day. I have not spoken to him since March 26th, nor have i seen him. And this is not by my choice. It has seriously been the hardest thing i have done yet. My hero is gone. I idolized a man. In my eyes my father could do no wrong. And then i woke up when day to cold hard reality, he's just a man, and he has faults. I couldnt understand. To this day I still dont understand. The hardest thing in the world is loving someone who doesnt love you back. My heart has been broken in ways that i could never explain in words. I long for something that I don't know if i will ever get back. And because of that i struggle with depression and anxiety in the worst way.
I am a very sensitive, deeply empathetic and tender-hearted young woman. When my dad left, it was like my heart was gone. I shut down. I didn't cry. I couldnt. It wasnt until July that i shed my first tear over the situation. There is so much pain in my heart that i am finally able to start letting go of. Some may say i come with a lot of baggage. This is untrue. I am who I am. I had a rough life in some parts. I have struggled, and i have been happy. But haven't we all? It's a choice i believe, to carry what you want to carry. I accept myself for the mistakes i have made and the decisions i have carried out because of them. And my decision is this, accept me for who I am, or don't.
I love people. I care too much what others think. I am strong. I am intelligent and talented. I am broken yet healing. I am sensitive. I am silly yet rational. I am hard-headed but tender-hearted. I am opinionated yet i am sweet. I talk a lot, yet i am quiet and introverted. I think way too much. I am a bit of a pessimist yet i hope for the best. I am loyal. I am beautiful. This is me, and it's ok.
I say all this because i am ready to be free from it. I used to be ashamed of myself for the pain i have been through; no more. My past, my pain; do not dictate who I am. I am ready to let go of all that has enslaved me, and live my life in a beautiful way. Thank you to all of those who have supported me and loved me despite my shortcomings. I love you.
I was able to say that for the first time today. As I looked back at myself in my rearview mirror, a confident and beautiful smile crept across my face. This is who I am. Let me explain.
I didn't have the best childhood, but im not about to complain. The week before my 18th birthday, my boyfriend of 4 years broke my heart for my best friend. Two months later I graduated high school and packed up my life to move to Texas. I left my home, family and all of my friends. I moved to Texas with a backpack, one suitcase and a guitar. I knew no one. I lived with my soon to be roommates parents for a week before moving into my dorm at TCU. It was quite an experience. After being there for a month i had joined a sorority and made a ton of friends. My suitemate and her boyfriend and i were always hanging out because my roommate and i did not get along whatsoever. Then the tables turned. I was more involved in my sorority. It was a christian sorority and so I was being asked by the President to lead worship at our weekly meetings. ME! I was so honored and excited. On top of that i became the worship leader for a group called Campus Crusades. Because of all i was doing, one thing led to another and my suitemate became extremely controlling and possessive of me and my time. In a nutshell i had to find a different place to sleep each night, which meant my girlfriends cement floors in their dorm, because i was being intruded on while showering or changing by my suitemate's boyfriend, sexually and verbally harassed, among other things.
Eventually I moved into my own dorm room. It was a suite to myself. Essentially it was ideal, but it was extremely lonely. I would go to school, go to my room and there i would stay. I didn't know where i belonged. I knew deep in my heart that i didnt belong at that school but i also didnt belong in california. I was never going to go back. Two months after being in Texas i got extremely sick and was rushed to the ER. It turned out i had appendicitis and needed to instantly have surgery. After a series of unfortunate events, my life began to change. I was meeting people who were coming into my life with a direct purpose. I would meet someone who would point in a direction that would lead me to a door to another path where another person would walk into my life and help guide me somewhere else, and so on.
I eventually got my own place, and then quickly had to move because it was unsafe. Let's just say i was the ONLY single white female amongst black men. No good. But despite it all I was happy. I didnt have anything; no money, no furniture, not even a bed to sleep on. For months i slept on the floor with a blanket. But i was so proud of my place. I would go to the library to rent movies because they were free. I went grocery shopping at a flea market type grocery store where i would stock up on spaghetti fixings, and i would cook huge pots of spaghetti for my friends whenever they came over. Eventually things began turning in my favor. My perseverance began to pay off. I had a job, i was working at a church with students whom i adored with all of my heart, and people were coming out of the woodwork to help me.
I began working at a church as a sunday school teacher for 7th grade girls, and i immediately fell in love with them. I was at church every day hanging with my new friends on the youth staff and working. I was there teaching, mentoring, leading worship and meeting new people. It was the best time of my life. But i soon realized how much i missed home. Watching everyone celebrate holidays when i spent them alone crying..hurt terribly. I was reminded daily of what i was lacking in my life. I had an amazing apartment, a job which i loved, great friends and a fiance, but what i didnt have outweighed what i had a million to one.
So here I am. At home in california, after being engaged and breaking up with my fiance the night before i left for california, and exactly 7 days later, listening to my dad tell me he's going to leave my mom. My father was my heart and soul. We are so much alike. We used to do everything together from backpacking and rock-climbing to dressing up and going out on dates. We have a million memories, nicknames and songs together. That's what I wanted back in my life when i moved home.
The night before i left for texas i struggled with the decision to leave my fiance. I knew what I had to do but it was painful. I sat on the edge of the bed in my hotel room across from him, crying, explaining how this just wasn't right. I slipped my ring off of my finger, placed it on the bed next to me and said goodbye. My father and I had had dinner that evening and i had explained to him exactly where my heart was at, and he was the only one in the world who understood. I ran into my father's arms that evening, and it was the only place where i felt peace. I returned to my room later that night with my father, to find my ring still sitting where i had left it. I cried myself to sleep that night with my Father telling me how proud he was of his little girl, how he would never leave and how much he loved me.
My life has not been what i had hoped it would be when i came home. My dad left for good on valentine's day. I have not spoken to him since March 26th, nor have i seen him. And this is not by my choice. It has seriously been the hardest thing i have done yet. My hero is gone. I idolized a man. In my eyes my father could do no wrong. And then i woke up when day to cold hard reality, he's just a man, and he has faults. I couldnt understand. To this day I still dont understand. The hardest thing in the world is loving someone who doesnt love you back. My heart has been broken in ways that i could never explain in words. I long for something that I don't know if i will ever get back. And because of that i struggle with depression and anxiety in the worst way.
I am a very sensitive, deeply empathetic and tender-hearted young woman. When my dad left, it was like my heart was gone. I shut down. I didn't cry. I couldnt. It wasnt until July that i shed my first tear over the situation. There is so much pain in my heart that i am finally able to start letting go of. Some may say i come with a lot of baggage. This is untrue. I am who I am. I had a rough life in some parts. I have struggled, and i have been happy. But haven't we all? It's a choice i believe, to carry what you want to carry. I accept myself for the mistakes i have made and the decisions i have carried out because of them. And my decision is this, accept me for who I am, or don't.
I love people. I care too much what others think. I am strong. I am intelligent and talented. I am broken yet healing. I am sensitive. I am silly yet rational. I am hard-headed but tender-hearted. I am opinionated yet i am sweet. I talk a lot, yet i am quiet and introverted. I think way too much. I am a bit of a pessimist yet i hope for the best. I am loyal. I am beautiful. This is me, and it's ok.
I say all this because i am ready to be free from it. I used to be ashamed of myself for the pain i have been through; no more. My past, my pain; do not dictate who I am. I am ready to let go of all that has enslaved me, and live my life in a beautiful way. Thank you to all of those who have supported me and loved me despite my shortcomings. I love you.
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