thoughts before monday

sometimes i feel that i may be beating the nail over the head a bit..but i dont really talk much. well, that is when it comes to matters of the heart..matters of my broken heart. i used to have diahreaa of the mouth and now..i can hardly get a word out.

Why is it that it is so so easy to lose touch with yourself?

For months I have felt like a locust shell. In certain light it looks attractive, but when you take a closer look you see how gross it really is. It's shell is hard, almost impenetrable yet completely baren inside. That WAS me. Through the healing of time, and unconditional love from friends and some family, i am now doing better.

I can smile these days and not fake it. I can laugh and truly laugh until i cannot breathe and tears stream down my cheeks. Oh how I missed that. Yes, sometimes you really do not know what you have until it's gone. The sunshine during the rainy season, a discontinued flavor of ice cream, a friend that moves away, a father that leaves..

9 months ago, February 16th was the last time i saw my father's face. I was with my sister Jillian. That was the worst day of my life. I cannot begin to describe the fear and agony i felt. My whole world crashed down before me. I do not know what i would have done if she had not gone with me. Even still..i felt alone. To this day i still feel alone. It is the most crippling feeling. 9 months later i am home, and he is here in town with her..

i would give anything just to see his face, maybe for the last time?..i do not know. I do not know anything anymore, except this; i will be ok. But do i really want to live my life looking at my father through glass? A moment captured in time that is beginning to escape from my mind? Just because i can live that way does not mean that my heart wants that. January 5th i stood in a hotel room after leaving my fiance, crying. My father, my loving father, wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. "I'm so proud of you. It's going to be ok..i will never leave you."

Those words echo in my head. How can you go on loving someone who does not and will not love you back?