This is Me

This is who I am, take it or leave it.

I was able to say that for the first time today. As I looked back at myself in my rearview mirror, a confident and beautiful smile crept across my face. This is who I am. Let me explain.

I didn't have the best childhood, but im not about to complain. The week before my 18th birthday, my boyfriend of 4 years broke my heart for my best friend. Two months later I graduated high school and packed up my life to move to Texas. I left my home, family and all of my friends. I moved to Texas with a backpack, one suitcase and a guitar. I knew no one. I lived with my soon to be roommates parents for a week before moving into my dorm at TCU. It was quite an experience. After being there for a month i had joined a sorority and made a ton of friends. My suitemate and her boyfriend and i were always hanging out because my roommate and i did not get along whatsoever. Then the tables turned. I was more involved in my sorority. It was a christian sorority and so I was being asked by the President to lead worship at our weekly meetings. ME! I was so honored and excited. On top of that i became the worship leader for a group called Campus Crusades. Because of all i was doing, one thing led to another and my suitemate became extremely controlling and possessive of me and my time. In a nutshell i had to find a different place to sleep each night, which meant my girlfriends cement floors in their dorm, because i was being intruded on while showering or changing by my suitemate's boyfriend, sexually and verbally harassed, among other things.
Eventually I moved into my own dorm room. It was a suite to myself. Essentially it was ideal, but it was extremely lonely. I would go to school, go to my room and there i would stay. I didn't know where i belonged. I knew deep in my heart that i didnt belong at that school but i also didnt belong in california. I was never going to go back. Two months after being in Texas i got extremely sick and was rushed to the ER. It turned out i had appendicitis and needed to instantly have surgery. After a series of unfortunate events, my life began to change. I was meeting people who were coming into my life with a direct purpose. I would meet someone who would point in a direction that would lead me to a door to another path where another person would walk into my life and help guide me somewhere else, and so on.
I eventually got my own place, and then quickly had to move because it was unsafe. Let's just say i was the ONLY single white female amongst black men. No good. But despite it all I was happy. I didnt have anything; no money, no furniture, not even a bed to sleep on. For months i slept on the floor with a blanket. But i was so proud of my place. I would go to the library to rent movies because they were free. I went grocery shopping at a flea market type grocery store where i would stock up on spaghetti fixings, and i would cook huge pots of spaghetti for my friends whenever they came over. Eventually things began turning in my favor. My perseverance began to pay off. I had a job, i was working at a church with students whom i adored with all of my heart, and people were coming out of the woodwork to help me.
I began working at a church as a sunday school teacher for 7th grade girls, and i immediately fell in love with them. I was at church every day hanging with my new friends on the youth staff and working. I was there teaching, mentoring, leading worship and meeting new people. It was the best time of my life. But i soon realized how much i missed home. Watching everyone celebrate holidays when i spent them alone crying..hurt terribly. I was reminded daily of what i was lacking in my life. I had an amazing apartment, a job which i loved, great friends and a fiance, but what i didnt have outweighed what i had a million to one.
So here I am. At home in california, after being engaged and breaking up with my fiance the night before i left for california, and exactly 7 days later, listening to my dad tell me he's going to leave my mom. My father was my heart and soul. We are so much alike. We used to do everything together from backpacking and rock-climbing to dressing up and going out on dates. We have a million memories, nicknames and songs together. That's what I wanted back in my life when i moved home.
The night before i left for texas i struggled with the decision to leave my fiance. I knew what I had to do but it was painful. I sat on the edge of the bed in my hotel room across from him, crying, explaining how this just wasn't right. I slipped my ring off of my finger, placed it on the bed next to me and said goodbye. My father and I had had dinner that evening and i had explained to him exactly where my heart was at, and he was the only one in the world who understood. I ran into my father's arms that evening, and it was the only place where i felt peace. I returned to my room later that night with my father, to find my ring still sitting where i had left it. I cried myself to sleep that night with my Father telling me how proud he was of his little girl, how he would never leave and how much he loved me.
My life has not been what i had hoped it would be when i came home. My dad left for good on valentine's day. I have not spoken to him since March 26th, nor have i seen him. And this is not by my choice. It has seriously been the hardest thing i have done yet. My hero is gone. I idolized a man. In my eyes my father could do no wrong. And then i woke up when day to cold hard reality, he's just a man, and he has faults. I couldnt understand. To this day I still dont understand. The hardest thing in the world is loving someone who doesnt love you back. My heart has been broken in ways that i could never explain in words. I long for something that I don't know if i will ever get back. And because of that i struggle with depression and anxiety in the worst way.
I am a very sensitive, deeply empathetic and tender-hearted young woman. When my dad left, it was like my heart was gone. I shut down. I didn't cry. I couldnt. It wasnt until July that i shed my first tear over the situation. There is so much pain in my heart that i am finally able to start letting go of. Some may say i come with a lot of baggage. This is untrue. I am who I am. I had a rough life in some parts. I have struggled, and i have been happy. But haven't we all? It's a choice i believe, to carry what you want to carry. I accept myself for the mistakes i have made and the decisions i have carried out because of them. And my decision is this, accept me for who I am, or don't.
I love people. I care too much what others think. I am strong. I am intelligent and talented. I am broken yet healing. I am sensitive. I am silly yet rational. I am hard-headed but tender-hearted. I am opinionated yet i am sweet. I talk a lot, yet i am quiet and introverted. I think way too much. I am a bit of a pessimist yet i hope for the best. I am loyal. I am beautiful. This is me, and it's ok.

I say all this because i am ready to be free from it. I used to be ashamed of myself for the pain i have been through; no more. My past, my pain; do not dictate who I am. I am ready to let go of all that has enslaved me, and live my life in a beautiful way. Thank you to all of those who have supported me and loved me despite my shortcomings. I love you.