at the risk of being sure..

at the risk of sounding..well too sure of myself..
my mind never rests. i believe it to be the hardest working part of myself. constantly over-exerting itself, it at times comes to great insight and introspection that are deeply profound and worthy of reflecting upon.
the year is quickly coming to a close. it is fall, the season of change, and oh what a change has come. today i packed up the remains of my father's belongings. a chapter is closing.
before i go on i must preface with this..i was once a very dramatic girl. every emotion worn in plain view. well i grew up, and after suffering a tremendous loss in my life..well i guess you can say im a bit broken when it comes to functioning emotionally. i dont know how to really let people in. i am learning how to trust..each day i figure is another step in the right direction. its a process. but ive shut down and locked myself away. its a defense mechanism that i mastered quickly and sadly have forgotten how to be me.
that being said, i face a dilemma. monday brings about an interesting event. my father will be coming to my home to collect the rest of his belongings. it is his wish that "the child" not be here. well i will be..fortunately, unfortunately?? well i have no idea. and those closest to me know how much i LOATHE uncertainty. needless to say my anxiety is crazy. i always go through conversations in my head or scenarios, a sort of role playing if you will, before a confrontation. i like to be prepared. however, for this, i cannot prepare myself for. because for the first time in my life i can honestly say, i have NO idea how i am going to feel.
BUT no matter what the outcome, my life will go on. and i will be happy. and i will smile. because i deserve that. I believe that if you want happiness, well then honey you've got to make your own happiness. its a choice. i could choose to be bitter and angry and feel so much hatred towards a father who deserted me and wishes i were as dead to him. but i cannot and i will not. i want better for my life.
people can give you a bunch of catchy yet extremely corny slogans such as "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade". Ya those people?..prozac. I believe, truly believe, that those people who have suffered enormous heartache..who have walked through hell and climbed out..they know what true happiness is. because they know what real pain is. it takes the ugliness to see true beauty.
those i owe my heart to.
Lillie, you taught me how to love again. You helped bring me back to life. I have no words...i love you whole-heartedly.
Bean, you know..only you know. There and back again we find ourselves. You have always been my strength, my rock. You're inifinite wisdom and faith give my heart strength. I love you.
Jenn, my ff. It's an astounding thing how you can be so far yet so close in my heart. You're a voice of reason. I miss you and love you my boopy.
Joyce, my big sister gorgeous one. You are THE most important person in my life. I really do not know where I would be without you. I love you.